Right from the point that I started on working in the field of creativity I perceived the world of art not only as a form of communication and interaction, but also as a tool to figure out my kind of view and my personal vision. While being involved into these different connections and their ways of practical knowledge, I was also concerned about their theoretical essence and dealing with them as a learning process and a way of understanding. I remember my early drawings, which were part of my imagination of play and full of creative power, but they were not yet combined with any wanting to do something artistic in a sense of provoking certain ideas or feelings within the mind of the beholder.

Everything really took off when I began to think and to feel on paper. Writing and drawing happened to me as good media for what I wanted to explore and to express. I was standing on my own two feet right from the beginning, but I soon realized that I had to do a pioneer ´s job to walk my way, because I was totally underground, inconvenient, but very trendy and new. While the stress and the pressure had found me completely I got it all on by taking drugs to broaden my horizon. I know that this may be something we don´t want to hear anyone say, but it is nevertheless true, that these bindings are the most common that I found to be the main reasons for any kind of drug-addiction.

In a short time the slightly bourgeois and aristocrat picture that I was set into, fell apart. The projects of this period from 1986 to 1989 were very soft and romantic, but of emerging materialisation too. It all worked together and in retrospect I have to say that especially this lolling and closed wildness expresses utmost to me the charm of the emotional and intellectual vibe of that time´s youth-movements "New Romance" and "Blitz", which are sources of inspiration until now. Nevertheless I have to mention that the Eighties of the Twentieth Century, when I was attending ground and high school, have left their mark in history and they have to be nowadays radically seen as a period of death and a drastic urge to start anew.

Just remind yourself of the political end of the Cold War, the "Glasnost", the fall of the Berlin Wall, public awareness of nuclear threat, pollution and the Act-Up!-movement against Aids. I was in an emotional struggle about all that and slipping into depression and transformation. I felt sick about the whole situation and I understood that the easiness of a sex, which I had not been yet able to taste in reality at that time, had gone. My sister Barbara was to some extent a role-model to me, because she was politically interested and informed about social movements. I participated from her doing and got into reading some of her books like a guideline to deal with the "Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome" and I was fond of her magazines, like the former fabulously well directed "Wiener".

As my friends and I were hopefully and elegantly dressed in "Gothic" and "Punk" style, we were desperate and poisoned too, but in some good condition of the heart to be courageous and strong enough in our emotional ties to be there for one another. I am obliged to remember the ones, who just couldn’t take it any more at all and died by suicide and or drug-overdose. The whole situation was like a total blackout, dark and without any token of a change to come. It was terrible and heart-breaking to watch some fantastic guys simply vanish. I mean they were youngsters but beaten-up, whatever was wrong with their lives, it was of course less their fault rather it was the one of others. At the very turning bend I got out of this mess. I could not stand this letting die and the hidden body count any more.

The list of my public and artistic appearances starts with my playing the “Sultan” in the musical staging of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream-Coat” of my high-school in Lower Austria. Following to that I took part in public readings of a local-to-Vienna circle of poets. My most important happening according to this was my participation at a lyrical performance entitled “Pulsschläge”. Because of that I subsequently became a founding member of an art-group, which greatest success was the planning and hosting of a vanguard-music feast at the abandoned play-ground of a nearby football-league. But at that time it was from an idealistic view point really far ahead event, since electronic tunes were not only extremely unfamiliar to the common crowd, but also booed and partly even shunned. So this was a truly sensational thing. I especially organized the public marketing of the party via posters and the dressing of the showroom as well the making-up of the outdoor-stage and I performed a musical act within the DJ-line up. About a year later the group fell apart.

I stepped into the big city lights of Vienna and right into the gay liberation movement of the upcoming Nineties. My friends from a town called Klosterneuburg in Lower Austria have given me a great gift of liberty, of being freed from square and stupid cruelty, which I had also to go through in almost endless and annihilating rituals, which have let me see bits of the confusion that goes on behind the surface of ignorance and belittlement.

You can imagine that all of the pictures and poems, which I then was making, were extremely passionate, but also extremely fragile. It took me quite some time to make them become more visible and to start showing up with the whole topic, which then also turned out to be a wonderful elucidation to others. I was ready to do it for my own sake and fortunately the inspiration, which was given to me from other sides increased enormously. Out of these mysterious influences I discovered my power to produce, the ability to catch, to mould and to realize ideas and feelings in pictures, paintings and writings. I was ready to talk about what I dearly found important to be said and this brought change to me.
I had my first kind of DRAG-experience, when I wanted to drive down skiing in Kitzbühel dressed like a princess for some kind of infant Fasching-event. Later I went to parties of friends of mine costumed as Pierrot, Count Dracula, Devil or Vamp, but always with a beautiful make-up and not very much caring about the season. At home at my parents’ I put on lip-stick, high-heels, country-skirts and also mannish-coats and hyper-stylized tuxedos. I went to school with Wave-haircuts, and neon trousers and parallel to that out with feather-boas, or a priest-dress and a Mozart-wig, later then with pink Martens and a shaved head.

I got to know my first lover Lothar at a point in my life, when I knew that I was through with flirting and my kind of pretending to tackle everything. We were both strong parts of the whole mixture going on in the turning years of 1989 and 1990. He was even more intense than the rest of the homebrewed jet set taking strong drugs to do his kind of balance between the poles, while I shot myself up into space by intensifying my interest in the electronic and the gay scene, which simply stunned me in form of events like the "Acid" at the "Reigen", the "Space Jungle" and the "Heaven Gay Night" at the famous "U4"-dance club, freshly founded by DJ King Artur, one of the most important Viennese gay activists, who played an important role within the development of several gay youngsters, as well he did in mine.

I didn’t miss my roots, but rearranged them by moving more and more to the capital of Austria and even finishing school there in 1991, what was a true wonder according to my former desolate situation of studies. Totally flipped out on alcohol and else stuff I got myself back on the road. It was quite clear that I would leave the bigger part of my gang from Klosterneuburg more and more behind me and as they drifted apart from me, too, I have never heard of them again: Manu, Harald, Sabine, Michaela, Uli - I still thank you very much for your tremendous courage you shared with me, God bless you!
With Markus a gay boy from next door and Elisabeth a marihuana smoking, open minded secretary and some new folks I met in Vienna, like Daniel, who was an enormously gifted painter and an unfortunately LSD freaked out globetrotter, I became a swinging boy, who more and more began to enjoy life. And sex.

My earliest erotic experiences were ambiguous and very swinging, I was trapped between the chairs, heterosexual men attracted and rejected me, heterosexual women wanted me and I wanted to be like them. I had to find myself as a persona beyond the male and the female characterizations, somewhere else than the heterosexual lifestyle and its progress wanted to let me go. I was always coming out and I still do so, because I constantly have to mix my qualities to set my special energy free. During watching this site you will surely come across some of my past, my present and some of my futuristic images, which can quite clearly demonstrate this fact to you.

Being gay and being a trans-x person is a great joy and it is a big challenge too. Sometimes in my life I oscillate to some idea of a more commonly acknowledged male role and sometimes I become more and more female and sometimes I am located somewhere right in between. These directions of development do of course also exist within the mainstream - it is in fact there - but it is for some reason no matter of discussion at all. At some point I stopped interpreting myself with terms of hetero-/sexual and social terms of definition. I am a human being. I am totally living my life and therefore integrating the various aspects of being me.

The rest is oblivion, awkwardness or some form of established structural power and exertion of might to just choke off the gender-discussion. The neon-colored shoulder pads and the black “Milano”-shoes of the Eighties did not give way to the clubbing make-up and the short hair cut of the Nineties without any reason! White Cowboy-boots heralded the turn of the millennium to me and the very beginning of it gave me an extremely special SM-Look. Not without cause we are changing, what is also obviously represented by fashion. Thus various styles become - repeatedly - en vogue, while individuality and the revolutionary approach towards the mundane can nevertheless get suppressed by all of that. With Lothar I had reached a clarifying and liberating, very passionate and lovely apogee, but we soon lost what we had. It was too much within too little time.

I couldn’t recover easily from that, I suffered true and deep heartache that made me seek a psychiatric ward. The good vibes of a woman, who was there because of a nervous breakdown and I therefore had the chance to meet, enabled me to see the truth and I could leave that place just as quickly by my own will again as I had entered it before. I realized that only life can overcome life´s wounds. My first steps to fall in love again were shaded over by sorrow, terrible emotional pain, shame and guilt for I assumed myself to have not been able to keep my big love, so I decided to just stay on the scene, but to keep myself from any sweet trouble. I needed time to mend my collapsed heart. I remember some beloved faces, which have lost their names in the meantime. They were a strong solace to me, what I well wasn´t in equal measure for them. At that time I got to know Jürgen at the "Why Not", which is still a quite fashionable, originally founded in the Seventies, hetero friendly gay-discotheque. When we came across each other´s way in the morning of this age I guess none of us would have thought that this was the lift off for a great friendship. With him and some of the remaining folks from Klosterneuburg I then organized a very nice exhibition of my paintings on the presentation-floor of a financial bank’s building. The pictures have been childlike and chic, both at once and when I look at them now I still feel a big and frightening joy that makes me really shiver. A visitor wanted to buy one of the tableaux, but while I was thinking over the price she left. Money´s a bitch!

Today I am very happy to yet own this picture, my version of a St. Sebastian, the holy martyr of the queer. The main headline for all of these paintings was "Hope, Belief and Love", a slogan, which was moreover brought to me by reading a tragic and absurd play of a famous Austrian writer. Out of all that I discovered what gay pride truly means to me. Via my photo-model occasions with Markus I stepped into the Viennese art-scenery and I turned from a newcomer to a hot-spot. After the first craze in Vienna for "Dancefloor", "Acid", "Rave" and "Techno", the "House"- sound, which can still not be overestimated, was on its move and utmost hype. I was totally refreshed and surprised by this kind of music and we were on the move to it, too. Jürgen and I lived at that time together for several weeks, like we from that on have done it once in a while. I fell in love with Adam, a young artist and I moved completely to a total "Punk"- apartment in the third district of Vienna, which I got by litigation out of my grandmother’s bequest. At that point I have to say that I liked both of my grandmothers very much. Cold water, no heating and an outside toilet were already included in this apartment! Well, especially this one was a very tough lady. And so I have been.

I was free there and most of my guests I welcomed there felt very comfortable and relaxed too. Adam and I were sweet lovers in 1992 and celebrating each day of our partying together. When I met him, my gloomy days of melancholy, emotional resitance, sexual fear and grieving were finally over. We went to Bad Gastein, a place well known to all Austrians, for its gone glamour of being close to the imperial residence in Bad Ischl and we hopped to Warschau and Sopot in Poland, to the clubbings at the "Technische Museum" one of the epicenters for a delayed Viennese Yuppie-culture and to the salesmen from Ex-Yugoslavia at the Brunnenmarkt in Ottakring, one of the busiest quarters of immigrants in Austria. We were walking hand in hand over the globe, until this common promenade suddenly ended. But the dream was not over, it was simply dreamed. When I saw him the last time I cried before my turning away to start a new. I made myself ready to become somebody else.

1994 I was doing civil service at the "Otto Wagner”-hospital, one of the most famous places of public health business in Austria and my second exhibition of paintings at the "Rosa Lila Villa", which has been one of the first centers of gay, lesbian and transgender culture that emanated from a former occupied house by the queer Punk-scene of the mid 1980es. These pictures are still reflecting anger and rebellion against social structures, a breaking out of Austrian history and they are full of homosexual and transgressive and trans-x content. So you should not be astonished that I called the whole series "X-plode!"

With these coincidences the pieces of yesterday got away and I became ready for the future. At the "U4", my symbol of the universe, I got to know Sirius, who was working as a disc- jockey there and this acquaintance brought a new dream to me: "House of Sirius". His idea was the creation of a platform for gay men, for the queer nation and for the party people to articulate themselves artistically and glamorously on stage and wherever else. I was still looking for getting the right education in the field of art and I was disappointed because of my failing efforts to attend the Academy of Fine Arts, which were on one side undermined by my really not being able to fit into any category and which were also ruined by coincidence on the other side. Even when I was already taken for a class something oddly stupid occurred out of the blue to damage my status nevertheless. But I have never given up my artistic dream and also my artistic work and I nowadays get to know that I am actually fulfilling this vision by simply living my life and doing what I want to do. Furthermore in the meantime I recognized that Sirius has been my teacher of fine arts over years and he did this job quite well. Moreover I became introduced to a greater gay society, its rules and its hopes for freedom. The gay hardcore-scene can be a roaring one and perhaps it has to be such. Be aware of that and take care of yourself, for a wooden pile goes off in flames when thrown into the fire!

I was used and needed dearly and I was using this involvement intensely and I really needed it, too. My plans then also included forms of public sex, jacking-off with strangers and partly also of making commercial use out of same sex eroticism. I worked together with other folks, who literally tumbled into the "House of Sirius", and we began to invent concepts for our nocturnal shows and the intellectual tenor behind the theatrical curtain to get our message across: "Live and love, be free, feel turned on! Make use of Safe Sex, your splendid one night-stands and their offered chances to find and to bind love!"

Besides the on stage events, which I had together with Sirius, Trixi, Bette, Romy, Valentino, Daphne, Shawn, Eddy, MikE and other guests, like Klaus, Robert or Michaela, and which were like performances temporary and unique, only documented by photography and sometimes by video, we were all together daily set out to present outrageous and fancy costumes, dramatic gestures and situations of gay occurrences and identification, of queer culture and humor also with an appreciation for tragedy. With Eddy and Ilir I did performances and a lot of Go-Go-dancing in other towns of Austria, what was a terrible lot of joy for all of us and which sometimes exposed forms of luridness and roguishness in each one of us. The assemblage of succeeded events, of personal trials and emotional errors roughed us visibly up each and every time. Our paths of life disconnected more and more and a latent liability to drug-abuse, to delinquency and some effects of an early experienced neglection was beginning to show up. But the "genius-party" let us stick yet together.

I got into the history of art, of music, of cinematography and into a deeper process of producing and sending out the image of an artistic interest. We watched movies endlessly, had terrific fun, nights and days full of quarrel and delightful conversations and we were still packed full of drama and gossip. My horizon was even more widened and stimulated to open up to the whole world and to consume what makes the planet spin on vinyl and on videotapes. Sirius had a strong influence on me according to the underground scene and special interest, what means alternative ways to express artistic impacts like "Splatter" and "Gore", "Horror" and items of black humor. We all know "Porn"-movies or "Martial Arts"-films, genres that are also part of this list. But also "Gender-bender" (e.g.: "Desperate Living" or "Nicht der Homosexuelle ist pervers, sondern die Situation in der er lebt.") which is often falsely and pejoratively called "Trash" does belong to this huge group of flicks.

I was educated in gay liberation, the unwanted side of art, Post-/Modernism and social behavior of all types and the power of intelligence. Ilir came back all of a sudden from New York to Vienna. He joined in our activities and became a very important person in my life, who gave a lot of beauty and self-confidence to it. Besides his clubkid-existence he suffered a lot, partly from withdrawal, partly from phases of depression and mania, what I just couldn’t figure out in its total meaning, as well his comeback was already marking the end of this whole era. We hit the top and everything else with our hosting of a showroom at the "Lifeball" at the Viennese Mayor´s Building in 1996. Parallel to that my hunger for sex, affection and voluptuousness increased and I began to run around naked literally. My drawings transformed to graphic and very explicit physiques. I was always fond of male nudes, but in these first pieces something new appeared to me especially as I turned them into paintings and combined the whole subject with aspects of violence, dominance and fetish.

I was having my kind of sensuous, diversified and gay sex and my curiosity was satisfied completely, nevertheless I felt like wanting more and suddenly I was ready for an elegant homo-eroticism and same sex love sweet as sugar. Also for the other ones of "House of Sirius" a breaking point started to rise as well unnoticed by us. Jürgen was taking heroin ever since I have known him, but coming out with this topic right then. We all became moody and less motivated. Deeper matters from each one´s soul were arising and ready to hit the surface. Matters that we couldn’t reach within the range of our possibilities began to rule our cooperation. I remember Daphne alias Roland sitting by the telephone at my place talking to Sirius alias Hans about the HIV- positive testing of his boyfriend and the thus completely changed situation for both of them. Though I couldn’t hear Sirius’ aka Hans’ words I felt what had happened to him and his mistrust against me to finally get out of being intrigued by my person.From that moment on I knew, that our common ground, the concord and later on even our common sense had passed. I was over night confronted with having nothing left, but memories. We had suddenly changed, not able to cope with what had happened.

I finished my romance with a young straight man called Florian, who fell too obviously in love with me for my apparently being "DRessed up As a Girl" and definitely aggravated my whole state by putting me over to face facts and a new chapter of my life. I began to work in the social field. After clubbing and an extreme lifestyle I was there for this job, which I imagined as a possible income to find some distance to the burning of the gay scene and that I could simply do. I always felt compassion for disabled people and I came across them being in that sense also meaningful to me. To work with them became as interesting to me as to work in one of the hot spots of the nightlife. It was me, who had to move to higher grounds. I was in need of some fresh air and of more personal growing. Today I reflect on this period as been fortunately disabled myself. I understood that I myself had to get along with all of the hurting, that I had suffered from in my life, to sublime it and to be innovative with this treasure buried deep inside of me. I simply had to do or die. Otherwise I could have only committed suicide, what still many gay youngsters and men really do because of too much despair in their lives. Jürgen has certainly saved me at that point in my life, when he just said directly to me, that I should go and see more of the wonders of this world instead of killing me, for I could have impossibly seen them all yet. And right he was. Nevertheless I was pushed to learn how to let go some things that had great importance to me, to be again ready for new things and to finally start anew. Isn´t it crazy?!

I began to write again and my paintings flourished too. The stories were moving and full of metaphors. The colors gave off themselves and concentrated on the sheets of paper to be sweaty fantasies, which I also lived through, around-the-clock. Not without a cause I called a certain line of these pictures from 1997 - 1999 "An-Vil". A title, which I created out of combining the words "angel" and "devil", as it also stands for a memento of one of the largest gay discotheques ever and of course for the hard work that I was doing then. I was exposed to a big world to come in. While I was thinking about my past and all the things that had happened, I made journeys to Berlin, where I met Eddy, to Amsterdam to be completely blessed and to New York, where I had a weekend sensation with Adam the Second and where I learned to like it big to get a picture of it all again. My dialogues were short as the telephone stopped ringing and I just went on travelling down my road even more focused, as I had already done it before. I stopped my constant alcoholic brainwash and intensified my psychological and psychotherapeutic input.

My mates were men, who I met in unusual or foreign places on different continents to make me survive and to celebrate life. We had to catch planes, but we had to fall into each other’s arms too. Some of these impressions I was fortunately able to catch artistically, so when Ed, a guy from Sweden simply called me his dream come true, I knew, when I slipped right into his hotel-room and the bed there that I would mention this enchanting moment later within one of my written stories…
The creative work here in Vienna didn’t run dry completely, for I was able to motivate some of the folks like Patryk and even Hans to take part spontaneously in some shootings; or we just helped each other to get some personal creative project done. I headed on to reach other levels of theoretical and practical discussion about art, society and the whole god damned rest. My agendas were becoming complicated and multiplying without my exact wanting that, it just happened to be that way.
On one side I was emotionally driven, on the other side I was without any plan and helpless like a little child. The things that worked, were often working out bizarre and I was constantly trying to get some more information about what was simply going on in my life. I was seriously considering emigration. Yet, when I came in contact with my parents again, who were at first very shocked and frustrated by my whole kind of being and for years part of the negative clique in my life, I used this turn of fate to make my point of view even clearer to them and to me, too.

They knew already that I am gay, about my artistic artillery and some stories of my life in Vienna, since they had also met some of my boyfriends and dudes, but they had to be told the complete truth right into their faces. After my direct coming-out on Christmas-Eve they gave in to their more caring feelings towards me and realized that they have partly misinterpreted me. Later on they helped me to find a new flat. For me a chance to newly begin. When I moved to my recent apartment near the river Danube, I was brought there by a guy, who helped me with all of my baggage and whom I never saw again later on; this very impressive happening is still one of the most revealing stories of that time to me.
In the turning year 1999, the Millennium 2000 and in 2001 I felt like fighting at all fronts at the same time. I was furnishing and styling my apartment, what became working on a piece of art to me. I wanted to go for something I haven’t seen before. Colors, interiors and the complete settings were fresh to me. The idea to go to the brutal basis of modern design and bring it then to vibrating life again was simply smashing and uplifting. Still a couple of years later I haven’t found myself being bored or through with this creation.

You see I shifted my talents a little. Painting became at some point part of the interior and vice versa. I invented some of the paints I used, as I was looking for an experience to see a color, which I didn’t have before. Moreover I let them simply stand for themselves or in strong contrast to one another. Writing was blooming very visually and the terms concerning sexuality became very explicit. I run into photography again, which became once more a part of my visualization. Concepts of depth-psychology were important to me as I finished my cultivation as a counselor and cultivated these projects. While I have been working still with other people and their needs, ideas and emotions, they also became an inspiration to me.
In many ways I had to go into the process of education and the widely used demonstrations of power and powerlessness. I discovered my being part of SM. I had an idea of sadomasochism yet out of some masochistic experiences before, like breath-control, fetish, or my occasionally appearing fondness of big cocks, but in particular because of the not yet reflected themes of my paintings, since they have always been simply there - in me. Nevertheless it took me some time to get this all a little bit clearer. The whole thing then influenced me and my work on an emotional level that pushed me to abstraction, which has due to itself something to do with a destruction of the physical and its commemoration. The people, who were with me at that time like Jürgen and Ilir, but also Bernd and Stephan were frightened and fascinated by my whole opinion. I involved them into discussions and arguments, that were brilliant and for all of us of course finally freeing and delivering. From 2004 on I invited them to take their parts in my beginning video experiments, which were meant to fix the seen, that is simply (t)here and to provoke the emotional and intellectual action of each participant. Slowly, but irrevocably I began looking for the meaning of the physics again.

I was for once more fascinated by dance and certain stimuli of unknown movement to me, especially concerning the deep interplay of one´s own emotions and one´s own body. To all of this, my manipulation of the artistic material by computer extended. In the first place I have been using it on one side as a great help and on the other side right from the beginning also as a true origin of inspiration and of concepts. Likewise also color and plain ground is. Let’s be surprised what´s going to display next. And that is where I actually hit the present time and my artistic work of right now. I concentrate on the male nude again, seen and shot live. The men, who were my models for these pictures and videos, have made good use of my ideas and they have been able to really identify with them to completely let out themselves. Behold them, watch them and see yourself watching them too!

In addition to the visual context, sound appeared again as a very special quality in my life which I then began to experience in sole standing compositions. Plus voice and lyrics I am heading to the creation of an artistic environment, what is simply perfect for the internet. While entering this show, that I have designed and carefully styled, you are becoming a part of CIR and from that moment on you are also stepping into your own world of creative imagination and fantastic mystery. You can play with the different offers presented to you within the table of contents, thus you navigate your personal course through the menu, or look for your special interest. Get into a dialogue, or let the echo of it simply resound within you. Read, see, hear and respond to the material and its very heart!

I hope that you can tune in easily, turn on to it real nice and that you will not be dropping out too soon!
CIR is a vanguard-gallery, dealing with manifold cultural topics. It is a place to criticize and to deconstruct, but also to figure out and to build up. We are all taking part in what goes on here, not to say on our planet, there for CIR wants to constitute a dedicated space to give room to those, who seem to be totally casted out and far away from even being mentioned within the nevertheless ongoing social processes.

This has been ever a very gay agenda, since especially queer youngsters are still struggling to get out of a nowadays maybe larger appearing closet, while the average homosexual scene is getting on a little too much with stupid and careless lifestyle-dramas. Well, just – don't – smile, but think about that!

With Love and Mystory,

-->"Cintro1 - frames&faces-MIX"
-->"he is there now."
-->"A Time With ..."