... trouve les pleurs!
Cherche toujours, cherche plus loin!
Viendras á l´amour sur ton chemin.'

(aus "Emmanuelle" - Soundtrack /"Emmanuelle Song" - French Vocal Version
Music by Pierre Bachelet & Hervé Roy,
a film by Just Jaeckin.

When I had been focusing on doing my very own artistic output even more independently and decidedly, I had to step across some fundamental changes, break-downs and so called returns from the flame.
I found myself as being alone and lost.
Far from any information or knowledge that both could have given some help to me. I had to do it myself.
To had to invent something.
I had to learn, I had to find out what will work for me and what just won´t.
Other people, who were in alike positions were dangerous to me for their recklessness against me and anybody else, while we were all trying to wind up on the grid.
We were all hoping to achieve some power and glory to succeed at last and to finally make it.
In terms of what we found to be socially respected and accepted.
We didn´t want to be outcasts of our own norms or even worse the losers of the social game.
I guess, that we are arguing that way because of our deeply subconscious fear before death and dying.
Everyone gets to know that being wrecked. The whole intellect, but even very dramatic feelings or flamboyant and pranced poses of fatality can disguise this anxiety, which is all at once vital, inspiring and threatening to us.
I found myself as being thrown to transformation for more than one time during my existence here on this planet.

And every time that it happens I feel like becoming reborn on another level of being myself.
Something outrageous and extraordinary takes place, destroys and changes nearly everything that I have been gone through until that moment.
Sometimes it happens by an unbelievable strike of luck, which makes my life turn upside down, or something very painful and unfortunate occurrs, which is also tearing down, what has been before.

When something fortunate is taking place, then we often tend to just not realise the profound impact of it all, that infact put us on some other ground.
On the contrary we do get shocked, when something awkward and miserable is stirring up our existence.
So we are afraid of what might happen to us at all - for we don´t know if it will be something good or bad.
This uncertainty and these summing up fears make us believe, that we have some right to put other people down, because they are rivals, if not enemies to us and we make ourselves very sure to be righteous if we behave according to these fierce guidelines.
Even those folks, who are linking themselves to the meaning of some subculture, which is in its variety generally trying to achieve wider forms of freedom and fulfilment in life, are bound to these
unspoken and unreflected ways of acting.

We have been socialised in a culture, that has been building itself up on exploitation.
Minorities struggle and suffer enormeously under these regulations, which are also a threat to the rest of the worldwide population.
While we are trying to explain and to escape from the negative side-effects of all the above said, we are perpetuating them and the original cause gets in the meantime completely out of sight. We are on the other side not becoming aware of the structures, that we have been put into in many cases already before our physical birth.
We are trying to wake up by knocking ourselves out. By getting knocked out and by smashing others without a second thought.
Is this the fighting for survival?
Of which culture shall protect us?
I think it is so.

This article of mine is not only a longer one, it is hopefully also inflaming and encouraging me and you. Since I was often artistically working together with other gay,straight, lesbian, transgender and trans-x persons and queer people of all kinds of self-definition I made naturally a lot of different experiences.
So what can I tell you about that?
At first we were friends, coming together because of same likes and like mindedness, affection, mutual attraction and true love.
But like all other partners we also had to live up despair, keep up with lost hopes and the brutal fact of being constantly disfranchised, which refers clearly to a state of permanent battle. Doesn´t that sound a lot like what I have been already discussing in the upper part of this text?
We all went through disgusting and terrible happenings in our lives, which we too often excuse by assuring ourselves that we are well off with our beliefs, that life is simply that way.
On the other side we also undergo relieving, marvellous and glad occurrences, which we are not capable of treating them right too. We haven´t learned that either.

This is something, that I especially want to send out to the gay scene and its special forms of erotic manners. I mean: Fall in love, when you want to love another man and live your love, when you are getting some!
According to that, it is terrible how often good chances are wasted.
Again we come back to these facts of being ruthlessly disconnected of what
could make a real difference to the disastrous and unlucky ways of society, which are echoing in our lives, misleading and abusing us.
We are born to be sold.
(Which sounds to me like a form of a Christ-myth.)
To be links in the chain of consumption and corruption.
We are forced to hook on this lifestyle, to buy goods and other people and to sell things and ourselves with means of money or emotional colored tricks.
We are pushed to modern forms of slavery and addiction to ease the rotton old mind that has not changed a bit.
We are wrapped up in an illusion of freedom and of comfort, so that we are not able to behold, what things are worth in the end and on top of all that, what is even more important, we have been bereft of our ability to see with our very own eyes, what could be there instead.

That is why I sense that art is dead, for it is sold and totally commercialised in terms of consumption and corruption, and I proclaim arts longevity, for we can also change these boundaries immediately, starting right here and rigth now.
TV and cinema-production are dumping and mucking up especially the art-forms of film and music, which are to their own disrespect too intensely sold out, etc.
The drama of a disorganised subculture on the other side makes it partly totally impossible to produce and to earn something with alternative pieces of art, what I truly want to be seen as a cultural action of regaining wasted money and a new art-form itself.
Please remind yourself: Wherever there is some form of culture, there naturally exists some form of subculture. We cannot always allign and identify absolutely with what is going on officially. And why should we? There has to be an open space.

If everything would have been said and done by now, art would be dead of some other reason, because we all were dead then. Thus, is there a life before death?
At that point you can ask yourself the question, if nature is part of the arts.
I see myself and my pieces as a logic, desperate, vital, necessary and capital protest against these tragic consequences, as I am also going into forms of materialisation, but without giving myself and my pieces over to the insignificance of an useless daily industry of deflexion.
I broke these rules, I ran away from what oppressed me and I had to make my position clear by showing up with my interests, my failures and mistakes, with my ambition and my talent to then finally make it a signal of this whole agenda.

For some reason I am still a victim of my times, and I am not ashamed to admit that.
I am helpless and I am in need of many things.
Now maybe even more, than I was ever before.
I am going through a personal declaration of independence.
And though I have lost so often so much, I have always been living it up to the maximum of what I could have ever been aspiring my life to be at all to then just live it that way.
I have been abused and betrayed, and maybe I am guilty of the same.
I did´nt want to act so and see myself acting that way, since I have been loving to the distraction, intensely and passionately. I am desirable and loveable.
I regret my stubbornness, not my ardour.
Especially now I cannot keep myself from crying every day.
I feel so down.
The pain, the letdown and the agony are nearly killing me.
I can laugh.
I didn´t want to become a culprit, but I was full of feelings of revenge.
I was secretly driven without getting it to know before myself.
I couldn´t open up my mind earlier.
Now it has happened.
So I can become wiser and more knowing.
I have the sudden opportunity to step out of circles and rituals of destruction, mutual annihilation and frustration.

To stop this madness and to perceive all of what has been happening to me and to elevate, to own up, to celebrate and to continue my authorship I founded the CIR-site in the world wide web.
Because of the lot of blows and miracles, which I had to go through during various events and constellations CIR has received its unique appearence.
Due to my personality, the characters of those individuals, who I met and who have influenced my whole life and because of the radical changes in my life you will surely come across a lot of strange and amazing pictures and sounds.
Enjoy them, be astonished, cry and laugh!

My regards go out to those, with whom I have been producing and performing together some of the various pieces and who have been co-operating with me during a period of time.
Moreover I want to thank them for giving me their kind permission to publish and to make use of these works independentely. You can find some more info within the video-serie of
"Wherever & Whenever 1(-4)". In order of time acquaintance.

.) the two groups of Klosterneuburg
.) Jürgen C.W. Jandrisic
.) Ilir Man-Eng+ (Ilinka, the black one of the three witches.)
.) Johann Jordan und Robert Wiener aka Sirius and Darktunes
.) Roland (Daphne)
.) Josh, Robert, Thomas und Daniel (aka Shawn, Dawn, Romy and Valentino)
.) Eddy (Le Cosmic Sugar)
.) all the unknown fotographers
.) Greater House of Sirius, especially the Gothic kids i.a. Robert, Michaela, Anita, Klaus, Rita
.) Patryk Dawid Chlastawa
.) Mario(n) (The red witch.)
.) Stefano
.) Igor of "Das Studio" and of "Göttin des Glücks"
.) Trixi und Gisela
.) 2 artists of AFA Vienna
.) Lifeball - büro
.) my models
.) and many more.

Love bless you!